a buddy of mine posted this on another forum, i found it pretty funny worth the read :Victory..... What trials that a man would go through to attain the feeling of overcoming incredible odds to come out on top. To show any foe that you are unbeatable, no matter what is thrown your way.
Here is my story...
Date: November 16, 2009 (Today)
Time: 7:12 PM
Place: My house
It was a normal Las Vegas night, cold as shit, so I decided to stay in and watch some good ole Monday Night Football and enjoy the abysmal play of the Cleveland Browns. It's not the most exciting thing that I ever done with my life it was enough to keep me occupied. Unbeknown to me that a foe of great density is soon going to occupy the next THREE [edited] HOURS!!!!
It all started on the shitter, and it was that time to send the aftermath of my diet down the porcelain tunnel to fecal paradise. It SEEMED like an average product and shouldn't have a problem with going down... But I was wrong... Oh, I was wrong indeed. As I flushed, it seemed that everything was going normal. The water was spinning, the material disappeared and I thought it was business as usual. But as I was looking in the mirror for a brief second, I noticed that the toilet didn't do it's normal **Clug Clug** sound. And you know what that means.... (edit)!!!! Well I guess it's time to use the handy old rubber cup of GREAT JUSTICE!!! A.K.A plunger..... So I start the pumping and it just seemed to make things worse. Without trying to really give you a visual. Let's just say that foe threw it's first wave of defense at me and use its cloud of debree to disorientate my efforts. (edit) THAT! I had many battles with toilets before and I know that tactic to well. Just gotta keep plunging on and in my mind I thought that I was sure to make this a brief altercation... Little did I know that this was just the beginning...
As I kept plowing through, my now enemy has decided to use my own brute strength against me and sent a well place muddy water bomb on my foot. That (edit) attacked me!!! It [edited] caught me with my defenses down. So after almost throwing up and rubbing my foot down with soap and alcohol I decided to treat this situation with a little more tact. The enemy was smart, it let enough water pass so that the level of liquid in the bowl itself go down. But it's front was sturdy enough to take all the efforts from myself and the rubber cup of GREAT JUSTICE with great ease. I swear to you.... I think at one point I heard it laugh at me. I know it sounds crazy but the sonbitch was [edited] treating me like a bitch!!! AND I AIN'T NO BITCH GODDAMNIT!!! So it was time to go to attack pattern alpha (Hot tub water). Yeah, you grimey bastard... Naturally thinking that hot water + Bucket + Gravity = Instant WIN!!! I went to that with with the quickness. Just to keep you in the loop... We are now about an hour into battle, and this god forsaken monstrosity had a lot of fight in him.
Sweats dripping down my face, my arms were getting weak, my back was freaking killing me, and I haven't even put a dent in my enemies defenses. The buckets of hot water were of no use, I tried negotiations with the enemy to which to be deemed useless. This enemy was not just a (edit), it was a [edited] military GENIUS. It's time to retreat for a bit and think of another gameplan. Since the color of the toilet water was now clear, I used that as intel that maybe if I just keep chugging along that maybe it would somehow just "slip" away, and end this war. BUT OH (edit) NO! This time it retaliated with another water bomb on my shirt. But this being with more clearer toilet juice. So now the mind (edit) of having those gross ass enzymes on me. I decided that there is only one way. It's time to put this (edit) out of it's misery...
CHEMICAL WARFARE!!!!! ***DUN DUN DUUUUUUN***
So I go to the nearest department store and purchase THE STRONGEST of DRAIN-O. You know the one with the extra nuking power. Like your gonna try to blow up the asteroid in that movie Armageddon. I am NOT [edited] around with this piece of shit any longer (Literally). I have had it... So as I am back to the porcelain battlefield, the General of Diplomatic Relations (Me) gave the go ahead to Chief General (Also me) to (edit) THIS (edit) UP!!! I think poured about a quarter of the liquid nuke in that bitch. Quick F.Y.I. the container was about the size of a 5 quart jug of ROTELLA motor oil. All that was going through my mind was, " HAHAHAHA!!! You dirty bitch, your fecal ass is [edited] done. YOU ARE [edited] FINIIIIIIISHED!!" So after I wait a good fifteen minutes I go back and see if the defense have "loosened up". And to my surprise as I was plunging some more I see that it little progress was made. This is by far the most stubborn clog that I have ever came to face. I swear the bastard had like a plasma shield or something..... But then suddenly, I seen that chips of the armor around my foe was surfacing. I KNEW IT!!!! I have damaged the beast. Now it's all up to me to finish it, so I nuked that (edit) AGAIN!!! And within another 30 minutes. The battle..... No, the WAR! Was over....
Victory has finally come, but at great risk. And damn does it feel so good. Because in the pursuit of victory. You must refuse to accept defeat to a piece of shit...
End______________________________________
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